Have you ever felt in love?
I thought I have. I've been in two relationships in the past and I thought, for the most part, that I am in love.
Looking back I thought, I made a big mistake. I made that one big mistake that broke all my past relationships.
The first love story came as a surprise. I was not planning on falling in love but I met him in a college event a month before I graduated. Months after, he courted me while I was attending law school. I was sent to college and to law school by a maternal aunt and we had an agreement when she decided to supported me in my post graduate studies -- no boyfriends. Yet I thought I was in love with the person that I accepted him. To make the long story short, the guy broke up with me when he found a new girlfriend. Years later, I learned he had 2 girlfriends then - me and another girl I met some years back. I thought I was in love then. Looking back, it was the sweet tongue that got me. I was living the life of a law student - eat, study, class routine, that when he presented himself, I thought maybe this is the person I can plan my future with. I was so wrong.
The second love story came as a "yeah right moment". I was out of school since my aunt decided to not send me to school anymore, my dad had cancer, I was trying to make a new business work. I was stressed out and frustrated. The second love story promised to be a breath of fresh air, of an escape, a temporary happiness, nay, a promise of a future happiness, in the middle of my chaotic life. Yet right after I accepted to be a part of this love story, I saw how the future would look like-sad, poor, stressful. I thought I can make it work, I thought I can make things work. However, having a lazy man as a boyfriend provides a not so inviting future. I pictured myself possibly losing the drive to go back to school, he does not like business, he felt pretty much overwhelmed by my plans to stay in my business and he spends his money on weekly booze. The future looks dim for me in this relationship, yet here I was trying to make things work. One day he said he does not want to be in a relationship anymore. I said "ok" and we parted ways. I did not feel pain, it is just something that I am thankful for. An end that means a new slate for me.
After the two stories I was able to date. I learned a lot in this period. I learned about the things I like and don't like, I learned more about myself. Sometime later, I met someone who made me thought I might be in love. I imagined how life would be with him. He is a good friend, someone my mom loves. Sure there are things we do not agree on but I thought those are minimal details. Details. Love is in the details. Yet I was inclined to focus on the bigger details - his job, his degree, his relations with my mom. Some things a girl like me would love a future partner to have. I thought and prayed for a relationship; I promised to be good. I turned a blind eye to the possibility of that person not being good for me.
I was thinking so much of love, of deciding to fall in love, of making myself be for love that I realized I am not in love. I am only in love with the idea of finding the perfect partner - someone I can be proud of, someone my mom would approve for me, a person who can fill things I thought I am lacking. I am into committing another mistake, of loving the idea of love more than loving myself. It is this mistake that has brought me to the past pains and failed relationships. It is this mistake that I was praying God to will for me. It is this mistake that He delivered me from.
God gave me something better.
