Unintentional dreams

Hello dear reader, I realized it has been a long time since I wrote in this blog. (reader count:0) I guess this is a safe place to write. But this is the internet and nothing is safe in the internet haha. 

Anyway, there are so many things that happened from the last time I wrote in this blog. I met someone from the past and we went full circle with what happened. I finally was given the closure I needed from my first love. It was really not meant to be, not because I am not willing to make it work, but because we are two different people and I am not loved enough to make it last. 

I am also able to go up the career ladder, something that I was not able to achieve in my previous employment due to office politics. I must admit I doubted my self and my self work in my previous employment. That place made me feel like I am not capable. I am grateful I got into a better work place - I achieved milestones, sat in Boards like I used to, and won cases. 

I have moved. 

I moved residence now. It is supposed to last for a period of 2 years. I am also taking my post graduate studies. I am in a new place with people I have started to get to know, with limited new experience. There are times when I succumb to my fear of not having enough but the Lord has been faithful in providing for me despite my fears. 

I still don't have job in this new place to tide me over the monthly expenses of living here but I am positive that one day I will be having a remote job where I can do work and earn well while I balance my post graduate studies. 

I must admit that I did not intended to be here. I am happy and contented where I was. I have debts, a stressful work schedule, but I am happy with what I was doing. Now, I am in a new environment, my debts are still there, my stress is lesser because I have more time to myself and to my interests - I write regularly on LinkedIn on topics I was exploring for my  thesis - and I am hopeful about my options in this new place. I found myself in a new place, sometimes missing home, growing and experiencing growing pains but I have also learned to love what is happening to me. 

I admit that when I was younger, one of my what ifs is doing this. I did not take it seriously, but now I am here. 

And this a wonderful experience I am in right now. 

So yeah, despite everything, my feelings of unease, doubt, fear, longing for connection, and occasional hunger, this is the best that has happened to me. And I believe that more wonderful things are coming my way. 

Feeling myself

I have started to feel myself in the middle to latter part of 2021. The rest I had in 2020, meditation, good food, and sunlight helped me think things through. I grew.

I moved to a new job in 2021. I met new people. I was able to talk to someone from the past. It healed me. 

I love how I feel now. How I fall in love with myself as the days go by. I appreciate myself more. 

It is a process of falling into the dark labyrinth of darkness, of soul crushing, disregarding myself years without me noticing that it is happening. I guess it started in 2016. 6 years after, I am healed. I am grateful.

Mahabang kwento, I may post vids or do tiktoks on it. Oh yes, I also dance tiktoks now. I am starting to enjoy life. I love it.

Getting back my mojo

 These last 3 years has been the most challenging destinations in my life (journey). The challenges I faced challenged my beliefs in myself and in other people. Perhaps, middle life crisis means that one gets to look at oneself in all honesty and see the self. The scars, the good things, what works and what doesn't, the works. One also identifies boundaries and sets them. 

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So the other day, I decided to dress up. I dress up for work daily, I wear comfy clothes in going out. But the other day, I purposely decided that I will wear something that will make me feel great in my skin. There is a difference in energy for me that day. I enjoyed time with my husband more, I was less afraid of the drive through traffic. I let go of my anxieties, fears, and the pent up anger in me for a bit, I decided to do it. I felt great! 

That night, I looked for things that make me happy. I saw a pair of earrings in Lazada. I have several stuff in my cart and I decided to check out the earrings. I realized that one reason I feel sad, angry, and frustrated is because I have been delaying my own happiness to take care of other people. Then when I don't deliver like I used to, they judge me as a bad person. I was judged several times by people I love, and since I give them the power to hurt me, I became an anxious, angry person. The worst thing is I cannot show my anger, because doing so will lead to more judgments. The other day, as I checked out the earrings, I said to myself "F*** all, I'm going to be happy. 

So from then on, I make a deliberate effort to look at opportunities to love myself and enjoy life. I am still young. In the past, I will put it upon myself to achieve a certain income first, provide to other people first, take care of their needs first, then I will have a little bit of happiness that conforms to their idea of what makes me happy. In the past, when I felt happy and they did not approve, I let go of happiness.  Now, in my middle age, when all of them have left to mind their own lives and I am alone with people that matter to me, I can say f*** all that, I will live life and be happy. 

The toxic culture that I endured may still dominate the lives of other younger first born child, I hope like me they will be able to express their anger and love. Now I am thinking, at this age, I feel like a young empty nester. I am loving it. I love this freedom. I can be who I want to be and do what I want. 

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I am going to live free, to hell with all the maritess!

If you are reading this and wants to add happiness to your life, perhaps you can find something that can contribute to your happiness in LAZADA, click and check your cart out!