Lovestruck: My one grand mistake in falling in love

Have you ever felt in love?

I thought I have. I've been in two relationships in the past and I thought, for the most part, that I am in love.

Looking back I thought, I made a big mistake. I made that one big mistake that broke all my past relationships.

The first love story came as a surprise.  I was not planning on falling in love but I met him in a college event a month before I graduated.  Months after, he courted me while I was attending law school.  I was sent to college and to law school by a maternal aunt and we had an agreement when she decided to supported me in  my post graduate studies -- no boyfriends.  Yet I thought I was in love with the person that I accepted him. To make the long story short, the guy broke up with me when he found a new girlfriend.  Years later, I learned he had 2 girlfriends then - me and another girl I met some years back.  I thought I was in love then. Looking back, it was the sweet tongue that got me. I was living the life of a law student - eat, study, class routine, that when he presented himself, I thought maybe this is the person I can plan my future with.  I was so wrong.

The second love story came as a "yeah right moment".  I was out of school since my aunt decided to not send me to school anymore, my dad had cancer, I was trying to make a new business work.  I was stressed out and frustrated.  The second love story promised to be a breath of fresh air, of an escape, a temporary happiness, nay, a promise of a future happiness, in the middle of my chaotic life.  Yet right after I accepted to be a part of this love story, I saw how the future would look like-sad, poor, stressful.  I thought I can make it work, I thought I can make things work. However, having a lazy man as a boyfriend provides a not so inviting future.  I pictured myself possibly losing the drive to go back to school, he does not like business, he felt pretty much overwhelmed by my plans to stay in my business and he spends his money on weekly booze.     The future looks dim for me in this relationship, yet here I was trying to make things work.  One day he said he does not want to be in a relationship anymore.  I said "ok" and we parted ways.  I did not feel pain, it is just  something that I am thankful for.  An end that means a new slate for me.

After the two stories I was able to date. I learned a lot in this period.  I learned about the things I like and don't like, I learned more about myself.  Sometime later, I met someone who made me thought I might be in love.  I imagined how life would be with him.  He is a good friend, someone my mom loves. Sure there are things we do not agree on but I thought those are minimal details.  Details.  Love is in the details.  Yet I was inclined to focus on the bigger details - his job, his degree, his relations with my mom.  Some things a girl like me would love a future partner to have. I thought and prayed for a relationship; I promised to be good.  I turned a blind eye to the possibility of that person not being good for me.

I was thinking so much of love, of deciding to fall in love, of making myself be for love that I realized I am not in love. I am only in love with the idea of finding the perfect partner - someone I can be proud of, someone my mom would approve for me, a person who can fill things I thought I am lacking.  I am into committing another mistake, of loving the idea of love more than loving myself.  It is this mistake that has brought me to the past pains and failed relationships.  It is this mistake that I was praying God to will for me. It is this mistake that He delivered me from.

God gave me something better.

5 things girls know but really understand after a breakup

The best friend and I have been going through her breakup together these last month and we learned from the experience by looking back together. I had my most painful breakup too several years back, I've committed lots of mistakes, from the most pathetic ones to those deliberately and stupidly done. Looking back, I say I don't regret undergoing the process. It made me stronger and a lot wiser too. It helped that the best friend saw me and know MOST of what happened during the breakup process.

Her breakup made me look back on what we did in our failed relationships, where we went wrong, what we should've done, and learn lots and lots of stuffs along the learning process.

So in a breakup here is what we learned:

1. If he's cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

We know this right? We know this as a fact yet we still decide to fall for a cheater. We think we are better than his former beau because he made us feel that is true. In the best friend's case, her ex used to complain lots about his former girlfriend; that she doesn't understand him, that they no longer connect all the while flirting with my best friend and trying to be a boyfriend.

In my case, the guy asked for a date and when I told him I don't date men who are in a relationship, he said he has a girlfriend and not married. Several months after, when he declared that he's single, we dated. But men like that don't deserve second chances don't they? Still I dated and even took him as a boyfriend.

Yeah, we sucked big time with men like these.

Moving on...

2. If a guy wants to be with you, he will be there. Otherwise, he's just not interested.

We like doing GMs (giving-meaning) to all the things guys we like say and do. Our over-analytical nature sometimes get the better of us. One glance, a smile, a gesture of chivalry is enough for us to think that men may be attracted to us. Our imagination hits overdrive sometimes that we get to daydream and fantasize on what he'd say and do and get frustrated when nothing's happening. Some girls can't take it and do the first move only to learn that a guy is just being nice.

See how we sometimes think:

Source: Here

After watching the movie, He's Just not that Into you, I finally was able to keep this in mind. If a guy is into you, he will do anything and everything just to be with you. If he doesn't or if there is hesitation, or if he goes out and text sometimes but doesn't say that he likes you, it means he is not into you. It is a case of either-or. He may like you as a friend, or he may be getting to know you. But sister, he is still NOT your boyfriend.

3. Check out past experiences, it gives clue to what he is inclined to do.

I read an article on 10 Men to Avoid Dating (read whole article here) . There are signs here of what types of men to avoid.

For me and the best friend, here are the things we saw but never really get to think about it before and during the relationship:

- Serial Monogamist (as stated in the article mentioned above). Beware of this guy who can't stand being alone and goes from one relationship after the other. This type of guy also cheats and declare that his relationship is on the rocks, or denies that he has a girlfriend in order to date. It could be he doesn't really know himself anymore because he has been jumping from one relationship after another, not being able to really get to know himself when not with a partner.

- The Player (also stated in the artilce). Somehow the serial monogamist and the player seems to be from one family tree. If he played in the past, he will play again. I was able to talk to the ex some years after we broke up and he told me he was courting someone (while still in a live-in arrangement with his current girlfriend). I asked him why and he said that it is because of his ego. Since almost everyone in the office likes her, he said that he wants to get the girl then dump her after. I did not keep myself from lambasting him for having such a sick mind. That also made me thankful I didn't stay his girlfriend too long.

4. Never assume you are (BEST) friends.

This is applicable to those victimized by the player and the serial monogamist. One thing about some men is that they are good at pretending you have the same values, the same points of view, the same whatever, the point is you clicked. And because you clicked, you're friends. Now that you're friends, you get to go places, dine out together, talk about fun stuff (fun stuffs only eh, nothing of the deep conversations associated with friendships). He may even tell you that you are his best friend. And you believe it. You believe it because you like him, and he seems to like everything you like.

Yeah, he is trying to get to know you and he is being nice. But calling you his best friend is way too much. You believe that the best relationships start with friendships, and since he is now your friend, he even says you are best friends, your chances of having a great relationship with this guy is way high.

The best way to avoid this is to take what men say with a grain of salt. And be a friend yourself. Some women fall for men like these because they themselves are trying not to be a friend but pretend to be best friends so that men will like them. To be able to find someone true, we must be true ourselves. The best way is to make lots of friends and be ourselves and let the men know they can be themselves too. We would love to fall for a man who is real, someone who is himself when he is with us, than somebody who is trying to be perfect and break hearts.

5. When a man says it is over, it is over.

Believe us, it is over. No amount of calling him, sending him sweet messages, giving him gifts, buying him coffee, dinner, movie. No amount of asking him to explain, to say sorry, or crying will bring him back. Learn that before he told you it is over, he has thought about this over and over in his mind. He has looked in to the pros and cons. Checked out his fall back if things go wrong. Perhaps checked out other girls too and other support systems he can get. I've done stupid things trying to get someone back, the best friend has done some too, and they didn't come back. Never. So never imagine that 5 years from now you will see each other again and fall in love the way you did. Maybe 5 years from now you are more beautiful than ever, successful in every area of your life and ready to fall in love again, but not with him. Believe us, you will get through. And when you do, expect great things to unfold before your eyes.

Go out and date. Take the risk. Be smart. Look after yourself. Remember that loving yourself is one of the keys to finding your one true love.