Getting back my mojo

 These last 3 years has been the most challenging destinations in my life (journey). The challenges I faced challenged my beliefs in myself and in other people. Perhaps, middle life crisis means that one gets to look at oneself in all honesty and see the self. The scars, the good things, what works and what doesn't, the works. One also identifies boundaries and sets them. 

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So the other day, I decided to dress up. I dress up for work daily, I wear comfy clothes in going out. But the other day, I purposely decided that I will wear something that will make me feel great in my skin. There is a difference in energy for me that day. I enjoyed time with my husband more, I was less afraid of the drive through traffic. I let go of my anxieties, fears, and the pent up anger in me for a bit, I decided to do it. I felt great! 

That night, I looked for things that make me happy. I saw a pair of earrings in Lazada. I have several stuff in my cart and I decided to check out the earrings. I realized that one reason I feel sad, angry, and frustrated is because I have been delaying my own happiness to take care of other people. Then when I don't deliver like I used to, they judge me as a bad person. I was judged several times by people I love, and since I give them the power to hurt me, I became an anxious, angry person. The worst thing is I cannot show my anger, because doing so will lead to more judgments. The other day, as I checked out the earrings, I said to myself "F*** all, I'm going to be happy. 

So from then on, I make a deliberate effort to look at opportunities to love myself and enjoy life. I am still young. In the past, I will put it upon myself to achieve a certain income first, provide to other people first, take care of their needs first, then I will have a little bit of happiness that conforms to their idea of what makes me happy. In the past, when I felt happy and they did not approve, I let go of happiness.  Now, in my middle age, when all of them have left to mind their own lives and I am alone with people that matter to me, I can say f*** all that, I will live life and be happy. 

The toxic culture that I endured may still dominate the lives of other younger first born child, I hope like me they will be able to express their anger and love. Now I am thinking, at this age, I feel like a young empty nester. I am loving it. I love this freedom. I can be who I want to be and do what I want. 

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I am going to live free, to hell with all the maritess!

If you are reading this and wants to add happiness to your life, perhaps you can find something that can contribute to your happiness in LAZADA, click and check your cart out!

Move

 It has been a long time since I last wrote here. I must admit that being aware of data privacy and my former knack for oversharing has taken a toll on my blog writing. It used to be that people write their thoughts through blogs like this, then vlogging became the "in" thing, raking in millions for those who have lots of followers. 

Tiktok is what I like watching now, and perhaps one of these days I may have the courage to make a public tiktok. I am still not comfortable being silly in front of the camera, although i have been silly for most parts of life. I am just not comfortable having perpetual records of it (at least in the PH, since we haven't got the right to be forgotten legislated here).

There has been so much change in life these last few years. I have gotten wiser, and a bit more quiet, I guess. I have also cut off some people in my life, some have cut me off, it's ok no worries. 

Almost everything in this life is moving. Some at dizzying speed, some slower than others. 

What I am sure of is, I am making another move. The most significant moves I have done are getting back to school, getting my license to practice a profession, getting married, and now I am doing another move. 

I am both happy and terrified of this possibility, but life is all about moving. So I will move again. 

Perhaps I will make another blog entry once I have moved. I promise to post a picture. 

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I just remember, I made my first blog post in blogspot (predecessor of blogger) around 2004. I'm feeling nostalgic. So many things happened since. I am just thankful for people like you who may have read my nonsense in the past, and are reading another one of my nonsense now. 😅

Til my next blog. 

^_^

 What do I really want? 

I have been asking this question for several years now. When I was younger, the things I want are clear to me - finish school and have a job that pays well. Some of the material things, I have not achieved yet, but those essential things, those that make your life richer, I think somehow, I achieved. 

Now writing this makes me grateful. I realized that indeed, I have achieved some of the things that makes life richer. I have a loving husband, my extended family are doing well, I was able to achieve my academic and professional goals. I have visited places in my country and met some good people. I had my heartbreaks too and they made me better.  I have forgive and I have been forgiven. So what is it that makes me think of this question,  "What do I really want?" 

The question pops up whenever I feel tired doing things I am not as excited to do. Or when I do things, go to places, and deal with people I grew tired of working with.  I look inside me. Why do I feel stressed over this person? Why do I feel anxious going to these places? Why do I feel burdened by this task? When in the past I just plow on and move forward. I suddenly ask myself, is it because I am a bad person? Am I at fault that I feel this way? It is something that is not healthy. I realized that I become anxious because I do not like what I am doing. I do not want to deal with this person because I don't want to.  

It may be because I become more aware of the limited time I have. I am no longer a young 20 something who had the vision of conquering the world. I guess I have become the old person that wants to stay in quiet places, shun the noise of cities, and leave the stresses behind. I have become anxious in crowded and noisy places. I guess I have gotten more mature. While age is just a number, that number grows smaller by the day. I am burdened by the thought that I want to do so many things and have so little time and thus I achieve nothing. 

Perhaps, it is really time to look at all these things I am doing and just ask myself, what is it that I really want? 

I have been listening to others and spent time trying to gain affection, attention, and approval. 

I have broken people's expectations in the past and as a people pleaser, it was difficult and painful to be treated as if I have done something wrong just because I do not say yes to what people want me to do. 

I have learned that people, generally, regardless of religiosity, will treat you well if they need something from you. Sadly, as I grow older, people who come to me expect me to do things for them for free. Free time and effort. I don't like the idea of wasting time. Now that I know I am on limited time and I can't have wasted time back, I don't want to waste time for other people's concerns that will not benefit me. 

So I ask again, what do I really want? 

Well, what I want in this life is calm, happiness, health, and enjoyment. 

I want to be able to afford to live where there is peace and quiet, where food is healthy and abundant. I want to go and visit places when I want to. I want to spend most of my time with the ones I love and those who love me. 

My dream when I was younger was to be like the old woman who owned 2 apartment buildings in our street. Her property were spotless and she was able to provide for herself and her children. I met an old man who wore sando and shorts everyday and sat in front of his rental property, enjoying a cup of coffee in the mornings. When bills come, they don't sit near the fridge and ask themselves and God where they will get the money to pay. I want to be able to Honor God by living a happy life. I want to be able to praise and thank Him, more than ask Him "Are you still there?"

I want to be be on my hammock, enjoying fresh cold air, while I sip my tea. My husband will be there with me as we enjoy nature, music, and freedom.  I want laughter and happiness wherever I go. I want to be able make a house beautiful and pleasant.  I want to be able to say,  we have several houses, because I grew up staying in family owned house. I want to be able to go on vacation and sit on beaches not worrying about the next meal or the stresses of meeting people I don't want to deal with. I just want to be happy. Threading through life like a floating feather. I want to be someone who keeps her happiness and is surrounded by beauty and people and things she loves. I want to be that. 

Now that I have clarified what I want, I will just have to work on achieving that. This clarity is a good help to me. Thank you blogger for this exercise.