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 What do I really want? 

I have been asking this question for several years now. When I was younger, the things I want are clear to me - finish school and have a job that pays well. Some of the material things, I have not achieved yet, but those essential things, those that make your life richer, I think somehow, I achieved. 

Now writing this makes me grateful. I realized that indeed, I have achieved some of the things that makes life richer. I have a loving husband, my extended family are doing well, I was able to achieve my academic and professional goals. I have visited places in my country and met some good people. I had my heartbreaks too and they made me better.  I have forgive and I have been forgiven. So what is it that makes me think of this question,  "What do I really want?" 

The question pops up whenever I feel tired doing things I am not as excited to do. Or when I do things, go to places, and deal with people I grew tired of working with.  I look inside me. Why do I feel stressed over this person? Why do I feel anxious going to these places? Why do I feel burdened by this task? When in the past I just plow on and move forward. I suddenly ask myself, is it because I am a bad person? Am I at fault that I feel this way? It is something that is not healthy. I realized that I become anxious because I do not like what I am doing. I do not want to deal with this person because I don't want to.  

It may be because I become more aware of the limited time I have. I am no longer a young 20 something who had the vision of conquering the world. I guess I have become the old person that wants to stay in quiet places, shun the noise of cities, and leave the stresses behind. I have become anxious in crowded and noisy places. I guess I have gotten more mature. While age is just a number, that number grows smaller by the day. I am burdened by the thought that I want to do so many things and have so little time and thus I achieve nothing. 

Perhaps, it is really time to look at all these things I am doing and just ask myself, what is it that I really want? 

I have been listening to others and spent time trying to gain affection, attention, and approval. 

I have broken people's expectations in the past and as a people pleaser, it was difficult and painful to be treated as if I have done something wrong just because I do not say yes to what people want me to do. 

I have learned that people, generally, regardless of religiosity, will treat you well if they need something from you. Sadly, as I grow older, people who come to me expect me to do things for them for free. Free time and effort. I don't like the idea of wasting time. Now that I know I am on limited time and I can't have wasted time back, I don't want to waste time for other people's concerns that will not benefit me. 

So I ask again, what do I really want? 

Well, what I want in this life is calm, happiness, health, and enjoyment. 

I want to be able to afford to live where there is peace and quiet, where food is healthy and abundant. I want to go and visit places when I want to. I want to spend most of my time with the ones I love and those who love me. 

My dream when I was younger was to be like the old woman who owned 2 apartment buildings in our street. Her property were spotless and she was able to provide for herself and her children. I met an old man who wore sando and shorts everyday and sat in front of his rental property, enjoying a cup of coffee in the mornings. When bills come, they don't sit near the fridge and ask themselves and God where they will get the money to pay. I want to be able to Honor God by living a happy life. I want to be able to praise and thank Him, more than ask Him "Are you still there?"

I want to be be on my hammock, enjoying fresh cold air, while I sip my tea. My husband will be there with me as we enjoy nature, music, and freedom.  I want laughter and happiness wherever I go. I want to be able make a house beautiful and pleasant.  I want to be able to say,  we have several houses, because I grew up staying in family owned house. I want to be able to go on vacation and sit on beaches not worrying about the next meal or the stresses of meeting people I don't want to deal with. I just want to be happy. Threading through life like a floating feather. I want to be someone who keeps her happiness and is surrounded by beauty and people and things she loves. I want to be that. 

Now that I have clarified what I want, I will just have to work on achieving that. This clarity is a good help to me. Thank you blogger for this exercise.